Month: July 2017

Waiting in joyful hope…

hopefulmama

Wait.

No one likes to wait. Waiting is hard. It takes patience, and personally, I don’t ever seem to have enough. Waiting is active – there are challenges and opportunities to practice patience and grow in a great number of virtues. Waiting is when growth and preparation happen, when one must remember that God’s delay is NOT God’s denial.

So what does that look like for a miscarriage mommy? How does one wait, let alone wait in joyful hope? Realistically, it’s grueling waiting that first full cycle until you get a “normal period.” Waiting for your HCG numbers to return back to zero. Waiting for your body to stop “feeling” pregnant. And that’s all while you have help and support from your husband and doctor and family and friends if you’re lucky. The waiting gets even more difficult as things “return to normal” for everyone else, but you’re still grieving the fact that you’re “supposed to be pregnant” but aren’t anymore. Your body was on a 9 month trajectory of hormone growth, emotional attachment and mental preparation, and than suddenly it’s not.

Honestly, I don’t have the answers. I’ve been through that process four times. Yes, FOUR TIMES. And the best way I can describe is it that grief comes like labor pains (I know, terrible analogy in this case.) But it comes in waves and you have to breathe deep, let the pain wash over you, and then it will wane. It’s the exact same process physically as it is emotionally. The trouble with grief is that it hits at unexpected times without warning. This is again where the patience comes in, only I’ve found that I need to be patient with myself & allow myself the space and time to grieve when the waves come.

Now as it pertains to waiting in hope, I feel I’ve become an expert, and I’m hoping and praying that what I share with you next will serve as a blessing and maybe help you get to a better mental and emotional state. Most of these ideas have been shared with me from other miscarriage mommies, and I’ve gratefully accepted and implemented them in my own life and heart.

First lesson my husband taught me – dream about and talk about that rainbow baby (a rainbow baby is the baby born after a loss). There was a time in our fertility journey that I WASN’T doing that because I was living in despair. God used my husband to call me out of that place and “speak life” into me again. My mentors in my business always say “what you speak about you bring about.” Why would I practice anything different in an area of my life that I cared about even more than my business? So now, I make it a practice to talk about our future children! “If God blesses us with a girl, I’m gonna LOVE watching you melt everyday,” is an example of something I now say to my husband. It keeps my mind in a positive and hopeful place.

Secondly, I now use my imagination and make up the best most wonderful scenarios of welcoming another baby into our lives. For example, I think about the baby shower that will be thrown when we are pregnant again. There are a LOT of people on this journey with us who will be eager to celebrate new life in my womb. Instead of playing silly games or doing icebreakers, I want every woman present to string together cut out hearts to represent the number of babies she’s conceived and have been either born into Heaven or on this Earth. We will have different colors for miscarriages, still births, infant deaths, and full term babies. Isn’t that a beautiful picture? To celebrate ALL little lives, both on Earth and in Heaven. (Thanks, Theresa for that idea! I still cry whenever I tell people of the vision you had for your shower with YOUR rainbow baby!)

Lets talk about the BAPTISM. The most important day of a child’s life – when he or she becomes 1) a daughter or son of God 2) a brother or sister of Christ Jesus and 3) a living, dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. It’s a BIG DEAL! And at our Parish, our Priest always invites the family & friends of the little one to stand and be recognized as people who will help bring that baby up in the faith. EVERY. TIME. there’s a baptism at church (which, in the 5th largest parish in the Milwaukee Archdiocese, happens A LOT), I imagine THE WHOLE CHURCH STANDING. Lets be real, practically all of them have journeyed with us and EVERYONE will be there to celebrate with us that day!

You see, as believers, we don’t have to be happy all the time. It’s in bearing our burdens and carrying our crosses that we are united to the suffering of Christ and therefore have great joy in that fellowship. A Priest friend often says, “suffering is the kiss of Christ.” Wow – what a beautiful picture! I can just imagine Christ falling under the weight of the Cross, and me meeting him, fallen on the ground… and Him kissing me. Amidst the pain and suffering that evokes great joy!

In the Eucharistic Prayer of the Mass, the Priest says “…as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.” Most of all, what brings me joy throughout experiencing these losses, is that I’ve gained an eternal perspective on life & have passed that along to our son. We KNOW without a doubt that we aren’t made for this world. We are made for Heaven. And there are loved ones there waiting for us – praying for us – as we walk this Earth, attempting to know God, love God, serve God and make God known.

People sometimes say “I don’t want to get my hopes up,” and I like to ask, “what are you afraid of?” I think for a miscarriage family, the answer is obvious. “I’m afraid of losing another baby.” And that I totally get. But when we serve a BIG GOD who promises to give us whatever we ask for in His name, WHY NOT GET OUR HOPES UP??? Because we’re afraid of getting hurt? Our God is the Master Healer! He can do MIRACLES – yesterday, today and forever!

Personally, I’ve come to a place that I KNOW with the grace of God & the support of those around us, (God forbid it happen again) we could get through it. I mean we’ve handled FOUR losses. It’s been harder than words can possibly express, but I’ve grown into the woman God needs me to be because of it. And until He deems it the right time for us to have another little one, it’s my job to cling to His promises to “work all things together for the good of those who love Him.”

Be joyful in hope. Patient in affliction. Faithful in Prayer.
~Romans 12:12

The Lord gives & takes away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.
~Job 1:21

Dates & Angel-versaries

hopefulmama

Dates have a funny way of sticking with people.  Just last Sunday, our priest asked how many of us remembered our birth dates, anniversaries, and date of our baptism.  And although I don’t remember the date of my baptism (don’t worry – I plan to find out when it is and celebrate it!) I DO remember the birth dates of ALL my children… our one living son, LJ, who is four and a half, and our four angel babies.

Today is one of those dates.  July 6th. 2011. A year and a half into married life, we miscarried our first child, Baby Mickey, just one day after we found out we were expecting.  Call it a false positive. Call it a chemical pregnancy. Call it whatever you want. We were pregnant, and we knew it. And then, we weren’t…

For my family the 4th of July has always been a BIG holiday and is surrounded by MANY parties and lots of people.  I’ll never forget that 4th of July, feeling pregnant and hopeful, and even letting it slip when talking with an Aunt from out of town.  She said I looked different & she was right.  I was glowing from the excitement and the possibilities. And to lose that in an instant was dreadful.  To go from ecstatic to terrified with one swipe of spotted toilet paper is a feeling I don’t wish upon my worst enemy.

How does one handle a miscarriage that early? Well, physically its “just like a heavy period.” Gosh, I heard that so many times. And technically, it’s true.  That miscarriage felt like a *very* heavy period.  But emotionally and mentally it can be taxing, because the world says “its no big deal” and “you’re young” and “it wasn’t meant to be.” But those are all cliches that are anything but comforting at a time when you’re hurting and grieving a loss.

My husband and I were blessed with support from my parents, who had themselves experienced two miscarriages.  Mom actually bought me a sexy nighty for “when I wanted to feel beautiful again.” EMPATHY.  She understood how I felt – betrayed by my body and out of control.  Evidently, her sister-in-laws had done something similar for her after one of her losses.  SUPPORT.  Generational support. There is NOTHING like it.

I also found comfort in reading.  Someone gave me “Heaven is For Real” and mentioned that in one of the chapters where the young boy is in Heaven, he meets his sister, who he never knew he had! She was a baby that his parents miscarried early on & never mentioned to their children.  SHE was in Heaven… waiting to be named.  So we decided to name our child “Mickey” (yes like Disney, ‘cuz that’s where we conceived! Sorry if that’s TMI)  More so though, we found it a gender neutral name that could go “Michaela” for a girl or “Michael” for a boy.

Now, I firmly believe that “God works all things for the GOOD of those who love Him.” (Romans 8:28) and I adamantly oppose the idea that “everything happens for a reason.”  It’s not Biblical & I don’t believe it’s true.  1.) There are way too many atrocities in the world that happen for NO REASON.  2.) Its another cliche that seeks to defend God & His plan, when God doesn’t need defending. His people need comforting!  But God does promise us that He will work ALL THINGS FOR GOOD, if we love Him and invite Him in.

We did find that through this loss, God worked a tremendous good in our lives… our RAINBOW BABY (the baby conceived & carried to term after a loss) LJ.  You see, if we would’ve gone full term with Mickey, we would’ve never conceived our precious son. LJ was conceived during the 9 months we would’ve been pregnant with Mickey.  So a HUGE blessing and beautiful gift of life came out of suffering, sacrifice and death.

How then do we appropriately remember or celebrate these dates & angel-versaries then?  For me, I’ve found that balance is key.  Remembering what was. Grounding in what is. And hoping for what is to come.   Seriously, much easier said than done, but beautiful when it can be attained.  Hear my heart, after 4 miscarriages, I’ve had plenty of angel-versaries when our babies were delivered into heaven & plenty of “should have been due dates” where I didn’t cope well at all!  But today, I think I did alright.

I talked about Mickey. I remembered the details of the day.  I reminded myself of my greatest blessings  – my God, my husband, and our son.  And well, I’m working on the remaining hopeful for the future (borrowing people’s belief until mine grows!)  You see, dates are just numbers on a calendar 7.6.11  But to miscarriage mommies, they are so much more.  They are etched in our hearts… forever.