Wait.
No one likes to wait. Waiting is hard. It takes patience, and personally, I don’t ever seem to have enough. Waiting is active – there are challenges and opportunities to practice patience and grow in a great number of virtues. Waiting is when growth and preparation happen, when one must remember that God’s delay is NOT God’s denial.
So what does that look like for a miscarriage mommy? How does one wait, let alone wait in joyful hope? Realistically, it’s grueling waiting that first full cycle until you get a “normal period.” Waiting for your HCG numbers to return back to zero. Waiting for your body to stop “feeling” pregnant. And that’s all while you have help and support from your husband and doctor and family and friends if you’re lucky. The waiting gets even more difficult as things “return to normal” for everyone else, but you’re still grieving the fact that you’re “supposed to be pregnant” but aren’t anymore. Your body was on a 9 month trajectory of hormone growth, emotional attachment and mental preparation, and than suddenly it’s not.
Honestly, I don’t have the answers. I’ve been through that process four times. Yes, FOUR TIMES. And the best way I can describe is it that grief comes like labor pains (I know, terrible analogy in this case.) But it comes in waves and you have to breathe deep, let the pain wash over you, and then it will wane. It’s the exact same process physically as it is emotionally. The trouble with grief is that it hits at unexpected times without warning. This is again where the patience comes in, only I’ve found that I need to be patient with myself & allow myself the space and time to grieve when the waves come.
Now as it pertains to waiting in hope, I feel I’ve become an expert, and I’m hoping and praying that what I share with you next will serve as a blessing and maybe help you get to a better mental and emotional state. Most of these ideas have been shared with me from other miscarriage mommies, and I’ve gratefully accepted and implemented them in my own life and heart.
First lesson my husband taught me – dream about and talk about that rainbow baby (a rainbow baby is the baby born after a loss). There was a time in our fertility journey that I WASN’T doing that because I was living in despair. God used my husband to call me out of that place and “speak life” into me again. My mentors in my business always say “what you speak about you bring about.” Why would I practice anything different in an area of my life that I cared about even more than my business? So now, I make it a practice to talk about our future children! “If God blesses us with a girl, I’m gonna LOVE watching you melt everyday,” is an example of something I now say to my husband. It keeps my mind in a positive and hopeful place.
Secondly, I now use my imagination and make up the best most wonderful scenarios of welcoming another baby into our lives. For example, I think about the baby shower that will be thrown when we are pregnant again. There are a LOT of people on this journey with us who will be eager to celebrate new life in my womb. Instead of playing silly games or doing icebreakers, I want every woman present to string together cut out hearts to represent the number of babies she’s conceived and have been either born into Heaven or on this Earth. We will have different colors for miscarriages, still births, infant deaths, and full term babies. Isn’t that a beautiful picture? To celebrate ALL little lives, both on Earth and in Heaven. (Thanks, Theresa for that idea! I still cry whenever I tell people of the vision you had for your shower with YOUR rainbow baby!)
Lets talk about the BAPTISM. The most important day of a child’s life – when he or she becomes 1) a daughter or son of God 2) a brother or sister of Christ Jesus and 3) a living, dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. It’s a BIG DEAL! And at our Parish, our Priest always invites the family & friends of the little one to stand and be recognized as people who will help bring that baby up in the faith. EVERY. TIME. there’s a baptism at church (which, in the 5th largest parish in the Milwaukee Archdiocese, happens A LOT), I imagine THE WHOLE CHURCH STANDING. Lets be real, practically all of them have journeyed with us and EVERYONE will be there to celebrate with us that day!
You see, as believers, we don’t have to be happy all the time. It’s in bearing our burdens and carrying our crosses that we are united to the suffering of Christ and therefore have great joy in that fellowship. A Priest friend often says, “suffering is the kiss of Christ.” Wow – what a beautiful picture! I can just imagine Christ falling under the weight of the Cross, and me meeting him, fallen on the ground… and Him kissing me. Amidst the pain and suffering that evokes great joy!
In the Eucharistic Prayer of the Mass, the Priest says “…as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.” Most of all, what brings me joy throughout experiencing these losses, is that I’ve gained an eternal perspective on life & have passed that along to our son. We KNOW without a doubt that we aren’t made for this world. We are made for Heaven. And there are loved ones there waiting for us – praying for us – as we walk this Earth, attempting to know God, love God, serve God and make God known.
People sometimes say “I don’t want to get my hopes up,” and I like to ask, “what are you afraid of?” I think for a miscarriage family, the answer is obvious. “I’m afraid of losing another baby.” And that I totally get. But when we serve a BIG GOD who promises to give us whatever we ask for in His name, WHY NOT GET OUR HOPES UP??? Because we’re afraid of getting hurt? Our God is the Master Healer! He can do MIRACLES – yesterday, today and forever!
Personally, I’ve come to a place that I KNOW with the grace of God & the support of those around us, (God forbid it happen again) we could get through it. I mean we’ve handled FOUR losses. It’s been harder than words can possibly express, but I’ve grown into the woman God needs me to be because of it. And until He deems it the right time for us to have another little one, it’s my job to cling to His promises to “work all things together for the good of those who love Him.”
Be joyful in hope. Patient in affliction. Faithful in Prayer.
~Romans 12:12
The Lord gives & takes away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.
~Job 1:21
Hope and Healing 