Month: August 2017

Transitions

hopefulmama

Did you know that transitions evoke the same amount of stress whether they are a positive or negative change?  Think about it. Getting married is a beautiful and joyful transition uniting one’s life with the one they love.  Yet, their is still loss involved – a woman loses her name and in a sense her identity.  A man loses his bachelor status (tragic, I know). So perhaps we should consider genuinely asking newlyweds “how are you doing?” after they tie the knot.   Same goes with becoming a parent.  One gains the most beautiful gift in the world – the gift of life and unspeakable joy, yet simultaneously gives up any hope of alone time, personal space, or sleep anytime in the near future! How often do we genuinely ask new mommies and daddies, “no really – how are you doing?”  As much of a positive change as it could be, there is stress, and some might say grief or anxiety involved with many of life’s transitions!

I’ve found it helps to identify the “losses” and then choose how to react to the situation. There are always two sides of a coin – one side will always win the coin toss,  but not without recognizing there is another side to the coin that could possibly win 2 out of 3 times.  It’s ok, healthy actually, to recognize both the joys and the struggles throughout the transitions in our life.  We will never transition well without recognizing what we are losing, choosing how to react to that loss and then ceremonially memorializing the change.

Why write about this now you may ask.  Well, isn’t it obvious?  Every parent is about to send their child/children BACK TO SCHOOL! And I’m no different… my son, my only living child, goes off to 4K tomorrow. Yes, 4K… and it feels like I’m sending him away to college, even though his classroom is literally just down the hallway from my office! You see, when you’re a baby-loss parent, there’s a new level of appreciation and love for any living children you may have.  I have love in my heart for ALL FIVE of my children, but all that love and attention get poured into our four-and-a-half year old, as he’s the only one living here on this Earth (all the mama bear protective instincts get focussed on him too- for better or worse). So, as we transition him into school five, half-days a week, I find myself grieving the loss of his presence in my day as much as rejoicing at the smart, compassionate, and kind little boy he’s turning out to be.

A beautiful Mary Kay mentor of mine once shared the story of her son who was serving in the military.  One day, two servicemen showed up at her door, and before they could deliver the news that her son was killed in action, her immediate thought (I repeat, IMMEDIATE THOUGHT) was “check. that one’s in Heaven.”  Let that sink in for a minute. Not devastation. Not panic, anxiety, or sadness.  Gratitude.  She understood her purpose as a mother was to get her children to Heaven, because ultimately they are only on loan to us for a time from our Heavenly Father.  To have that kind of perspective is something I can only hope and pray for!

So as I send LJ off to college, I mean 4K, tomorrow, I’ll strive to remember that God has prepared us for this.  God has shaped my son’s little heart to love and serve Him by loving and serving others.  God has shaped my heart as a mother to nurture and empower LJ to go out into the world and make a difference.  And God has promised that He will be with us always… even as we send our kids to 4K.

Isolation

hopefulmama

How often do we hear the words “I’m here if you need anything.” Or “I’m just a phone call/text away.” And tonight I wonder, how many people actually mean that? Sorry if that sounds depressed or pessimistic, but it’s the same as when people say, “I’ll keep you in my prayers.” How many of those promised prayers go unprayed?!?!

When we go through our darkest times we discover who our true friends are. When we are our worst, we find out who truly loves us and who brings out the best in us. Tonight I find myself asking, “what if I’m constantly being that person, that friend to others? Who will be that for me?”

Don’t get me wrong, I have my INNER circle… mainly consists of 3 women – my sister, my “other” mother, Dorinne, and my best friend, Anna. I can reveal my true self, my sinful nature, and my darkest, most challenging thoughts and emotions to them and they don’t judge or try to fix me. But, despite the support, it’s a lonely place to be in when you’re the only person in the conversation who is feeling the way you’re feeling.

You know, Jacob and I have been on this journey of love and loss for almost 4 full years now. The people who once experienced loss with us have gone on to have a baby or babies. The people who experienced infertility have gone into get pregnant. The people we were pregnant with at one point now have 1, 2 or 3 more children. And here we are, healthier than ever (with great hormone levels thanks to NaPro Docs!) and still no pregnancy… and no rainbow baby.

Isolation is the natural extension of that. I withdraw from situations where I’m surrounded by large families. I withdraw from crowds, conversations, casual small talk. I’m ashamed to say, sometimes I even withdraw from my boys. Being present is SO challenging when you’re in your head all the time – thinking, analyzing, rationalizing, and grieving!

And to be honest, as much as I want to believe all the good-hearted people who say they’re here for me, I don’t think many of them could really handle all thats on my heart and in my mind.  I don’t open up anymore to people who can’t relate, because despite their good intentions, they ALWAYS say something stupid or don’t say anything and inevitably make the heartache and loneliness worse.

Goodness! See why I don’t talk to anyone about this? It’s horribly depressing and coming out of MY MOUTH, who usually sings sunshine and butterflies, it’s that much worse. But I believe this is all apart of the process. It’s apart of wrestling with God’s will vs. our own. It’s apart of submitting to His perfect plan and His perfect timing… in Hosea it says “He will lead her to the desert and speak tenderly to her there.” Safe to say, Gods got me alone in the desert and I’m waiting for His tender voice to speak truth and consolation and hope.

Please don’t get me wrong and think I’m saying that withdrawing and isolating is necessarily a healthy option. It’s a survival mechanism… but God can still work in and through it!  So don’t sit there and judge if you’ve never been in this situation… I guarantee the women and men reading this who have experienced a Miscarriage or God-forbid, multiple losses, can totally relate to this feeling of loneliness. And heavens – we’ve been OPEN about our losses! I can’t imagine how heavy this burden is for couples who silently endure this pain.

As tempted as I am to close this post with a list of “what you can do” and “what you could say,” I’m not going to. I’m not going to attempt to fix or change the situation or help you feel better. If you love me, just be here – in the hurt, in the darkness, in the waiting with me. And if you’re walking this road, please know that you’re not alone. And I MEAN IT when I say “I’m here for you.”