How often do we hear the words “I’m here if you need anything.” Or “I’m just a phone call/text away.” And tonight I wonder, how many people actually mean that? Sorry if that sounds depressed or pessimistic, but it’s the same as when people say, “I’ll keep you in my prayers.” How many of those promised prayers go unprayed?!?!
When we go through our darkest times we discover who our true friends are. When we are our worst, we find out who truly loves us and who brings out the best in us. Tonight I find myself asking, “what if I’m constantly being that person, that friend to others? Who will be that for me?”
Don’t get me wrong, I have my INNER circle… mainly consists of 3 women – my sister, my “other” mother, Dorinne, and my best friend, Anna. I can reveal my true self, my sinful nature, and my darkest, most challenging thoughts and emotions to them and they don’t judge or try to fix me. But, despite the support, it’s a lonely place to be in when you’re the only person in the conversation who is feeling the way you’re feeling.
You know, Jacob and I have been on this journey of love and loss for almost 4 full years now. The people who once experienced loss with us have gone on to have a baby or babies. The people who experienced infertility have gone into get pregnant. The people we were pregnant with at one point now have 1, 2 or 3 more children. And here we are, healthier than ever (with great hormone levels thanks to NaPro Docs!) and still no pregnancy… and no rainbow baby.
Isolation is the natural extension of that. I withdraw from situations where I’m surrounded by large families. I withdraw from crowds, conversations, casual small talk. I’m ashamed to say, sometimes I even withdraw from my boys. Being present is SO challenging when you’re in your head all the time – thinking, analyzing, rationalizing, and grieving!
And to be honest, as much as I want to believe all the good-hearted people who say they’re here for me, I don’t think many of them could really handle all thats on my heart and in my mind. I don’t open up anymore to people who can’t relate, because despite their good intentions, they ALWAYS say something stupid or don’t say anything and inevitably make the heartache and loneliness worse.
Goodness! See why I don’t talk to anyone about this? It’s horribly depressing and coming out of MY MOUTH, who usually sings sunshine and butterflies, it’s that much worse. But I believe this is all apart of the process. It’s apart of wrestling with God’s will vs. our own. It’s apart of submitting to His perfect plan and His perfect timing… in Hosea it says “He will lead her to the desert and speak tenderly to her there.” Safe to say, Gods got me alone in the desert and I’m waiting for His tender voice to speak truth and consolation and hope.
Please don’t get me wrong and think I’m saying that withdrawing and isolating is necessarily a healthy option. It’s a survival mechanism… but God can still work in and through it! So don’t sit there and judge if you’ve never been in this situation… I guarantee the women and men reading this who have experienced a Miscarriage or God-forbid, multiple losses, can totally relate to this feeling of loneliness. And heavens – we’ve been OPEN about our losses! I can’t imagine how heavy this burden is for couples who silently endure this pain.
As tempted as I am to close this post with a list of “what you can do” and “what you could say,” I’m not going to. I’m not going to attempt to fix or change the situation or help you feel better. If you love me, just be here – in the hurt, in the darkness, in the waiting with me. And if you’re walking this road, please know that you’re not alone. And I MEAN IT when I say “I’m here for you.”
Hope and Healing 
I see this happening in myself a bit.
I made a list of difficult things that come with secondary infertility the other day, since it’s helpful for me sometimes to just name things and see them exposed on paper.
The highest and worst was simply the “wanting.” The longing for another child. The feeling of being called to more children than we have, but that not being fulfilled.
But then after that were things like, “feeling left behind,” “feeling less adequate than a woman who hasn’t had losses….feeling broken,” “feeling judged or less adequate as a family for not having more visible children,” etc.
It is one thing to battle envy when someone has a new baby. I don’t struggle with that terribly much because usually my sincere joy for them easily squashes the comparison of them having and me being without. The thing that REALLY gets me is our culture within groups of big families.
My wonderful husband pointed out the perfect example. In a group meeting new people and someone is asking how many kids everyone has. Answers of “six” or “eight” are met with, “Wow! That’s awesome!” or “You guys really live the faith!” How does one feel at the end of the line answering, “One” or “Three?” Hubby answered, “Three with four to intercede for them,” which I loved to hear. But then I wonder.
I hate this idea that I’m tacking on those lost babies into the list as a way to validate myself or prove I’m a good Catholic or gain some sort of respect equal to those with big families rather than simply TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEM AS HAVING EXISTED.
It is tempting to withdraw from those situations. To get away from the discomfort of feeling “less than” next to those blessed with earthly children rather than heaven-side. Hubby says that it’s paramount to be a witness… an example of things not being as they seem and inability to assume. I feel called to endure my perceived judgment… yes, it comes out in subtle ways like the mentioned example above, but perhaps a majority of my suffering is imagined. Unless someone flat-out says something, how am I to know what they really think?
My song lately has been “I Shall Not Want” by Audrey Assad. Aside from the obvious wanting a child and letting Jesus fill that void, the lyrics that resonate with me are:
“From the need to be understood. From the need to be accepted. Deliver me, Oh God.”
He is so good. He is so faithful. It is such a comfort to know that if he permits me to remain unfulfilled in this desire, he will use it to work such a GOOD in me.
Prayers (for realzies), Sister. I can only imagine the added burden of wanting siblings for LJ. You are a beautiful Momma to all of your babies. Hugs.
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