Hope and Healing

Whether you’ve struggled with infertility, recurrent pregnancy losses or even just one month of TTC when it hasn’t happened, you know the feeling when you see that negative test. The simultaneous feeling of devastation, sadness, anger, jealousy, fear, confusion, resentment, and more. “Why isn’t this happening?” “What’s the matter with me?” “How am I going to handle this again?” There is no controlling these emotions – no amount of will power can make them go away. Only by the grace of God can we refuse to let our feelings steal our peace.

It’s the start of Advent, and personally I’ve been drawn to the humanity of Mary & Joseph. What must Mary have felt when the angel came to her? As the Christ-child grew miraculously in her womb for 9 months? As she gave birth to the Messiah? What must Joseph have felt when his betrothed was found with child? When the angel appeared to Him? When he was charged to provide & protect Mary and the Messiah? DID THEIR FEELINGS ROB THEM OF THEIR PEACE?

Or did they cling to their faith & the promise of the Lord “to work all things for the good of those who love Him”? Did they profess & pray the Psalms with conviction of heart and mind? Did they stay centered and rooted in Christ, their Son and Savior, despite their feelings?

Perhaps it’s not an either/or, but rather a both/and. We can experience the full gamut of emotions in this life, while focusing on the promises of the next. We believe that suffering isn’t in vain. St Paul invited us to unify or suffering to that which is lacking in Christ’s. So all the tears I’ve shed and months where I’ve picked this cross back up on cycle day 1, I can offer up as a prayer for someone else.

A wise woman once told me that maybe what God was allowing me to go through wasn’t for *my* benefit or personal growth, but to help and better empathize with *someone else* down the road. I’ve often thought of her words & see them now as a prophetic gift. Truly they give me comfort and fortitude to press on when I would otherwise have given up.

Regardless of WHY God’s allowing us to walk this difficult road, here we are. And today was one of those days when we got another negative & I bawled my eyes out… while trying to keep it all in perspective.

So this is what I’m striving for during this season of Advent as we “wait & watch” – to not let my feelings rob me of my peace.

Mary, mother of God, and St Joseph, pray for us!

If you’re a guy reading this, do yourself a favor right now & stop reading. It’s about to get real… messy. Period.

Periods suck. I don’t know one woman who enjoys being on her period. We get bloated, we experience cramping, we have to deal with the mess of cups, tampons, pads, fem wipes, bloody fingers, odors and more. And if that weren’t enough, we have very little control over it. “Aunt Flo” comes once a month, unless you’re pregnant or nursing or Post-menapausal (which entails challenges of its own, so I’ve heard!) And if you’re a miscarriage mommy, periods suck even more, because not only are they physically not fun, they are like salt in an open wound… EVERY TIME you go to the bathroom. Allow me to explain.

Each time I️ miscarried, it felt like my body had betrayed me. It was doing something I didn’t want it to do, and I hated for doing it. I hated my body because for whatever reason, it failed me in carrying out babies to full term. And instead, it expelled them from the safe & loving home they had within my body. My womb had become their tomb and the bleeding was the stark reminder of my body betraying me. Every month’s period after that leading up to what would’ve been that baby’s due date was torture – a cold reminder that I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

Most women have some kind of emotional crash before or during their period… it’s a result of Progesterone levels dropping, which induces the shedding of the uterine lining when no baby has been conceived to implant in it. Regardless of when this low is experienced, it’s REAL because of the drastic change in hormones (just another aspect of periods we have little to no control over). Now multiply that by infinity, and that’s how alone a mother feels when she’s hemorrhaging, hormonal, and NOT pregnant anymore.

So how does one handle these post-Miscarriage woes when already overwhelmed? Me personally, I bought a Diva Cup. You heard me right – my choice was to “switch it up” and try to make my period “different & exciting” by ditching the pads and tampons and trying a menstrual cup instead. Did it distract me a little from the pain of being on a period when I was supposed to be pregnant? A little. Did it help me ignore that I was on my period for longer chunks of time than I could while using pads or tampons? Yes. Did it heal my broken heart? Not even close.

The good news is now, 2.5yrs out from our last miscarriage, my periods don’t hurt me emotionally anymore. I’m extremely disappointed when I get my period because we are TTC, but the period bleeding itself doesn’t trigger PTSD-like symptoms anymore. I’m no longer scared I’m going to bleed out & die from severe hemorrhaging. I’m no longer terrified that my body is going to pass baseball sized clots on any particular period. I’m no longer devastated & depressed to the point of not wanting to leave the house.

The saying goes “time heals all wounds,” and although as believers, we know God is our ultimate healer, I do believe He uses time to give us perspective and heal our minds, bodies, and souls… even while on our period.

And PS – I’m NOT on my period right now lol!

For a long time, I’ve been wanting to write about how “a little bit goes a long way.” For months, years really, we’ve had countless people come up to us and tell us they’re praying for our family.  “We pray for you every night.” “We haven’t forgotten your family. We’re still praying for you daily!”  “Still praying that God’ll expand your family.” “We walked that road and there’s hope.”  Their encouragement keeps us going.  Their affirmations keep us hopeful.  Their companionship keeps us uplifted.  Their consolations carry us through the dark days of desolation.

This week, life threw one of its biggest challenges at me. I felt like a rookie batter staring down a veteran closer during a playoff game… in overtime. (Pretty sure I struck out swinging, but I sure didn’t go down without a fight.) I was out of my comfort zone, stretched beyond what I thought I was capable of, and totally out of my league.

You see, I walked with a friend this week as her younger sister chose to abort her child. I stood outside Planned Parenthood praying for over  three hours and watched countless women go into that clinic (and don’t say they were going for mammograms… if you’re at all educated you know Planned Parenthood does NOT do mammograms.) I waited. I hoped. I wept.
It was like salt in an open wound… knowing we’d do ANYTHING to expand our family, and would gladly adopt any of these babies in a heartbeat. But that’s exactly what was stopping that day… heartbeats. And not by chance or some fault of our flawed bodies. But by the hands of sinful men and women who exercise their God-given free will to kill & end a life.

A wise woman reminded me this week that “God is too much of a gentleman to strip us of our free will.” And in His love and respect for us, He gives us to freedom to choose to sin and pierce his heart to the core. I felt like I entered into that pain with Him this week. My heart was pierced and all I was offered was bitter wine. I found myself praying just as Jesus said on Calvary, “Father, forgive them. They know not what they do.” But still, at the end of it all, I was heartbroken.

It did dawn on me, though, that in light of our free will, it means all the more to the Lord when we choose to love & obey Him. His joy is unending because we’re not loving and choosing Him as puppets governed by a puppeteer, but rather as persons exercising their free will and recognizing the goodness that IS the Love of the Father! Like a dear priest friend once told me, “with a great capacity to love is a great capacity to feel pain.”  Even in suffering and death, there is love and life through Jesus. Just as he bled and died on the cross, there was solidarity – and He was not alone. Mary and John stood at His side.

Which brings me back to what I originally set out to write about.  Consolations.  The Ukrainians have a saying that means “solemn joy.”  They as a country and as a people have been literally plowed over, kicked while they’re down, spat upon, rejected and oppressed.  Yet they have the joy of their faith.  They may not often show it on their faces or in words, but they reflect appreciation for God’s provisions and blessings by how they live their lives.  Gratitude reigns supreme in their hearts and they give until it hurts.  Solemn Joy – I experienced that this week.

For as much as my heart was hurting this week and I felt like I was in utter desolation, the consolation the Lord provided for me on the eve of this October Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, is one I WILL NEVER FORGET.

My dear friend Liz just did a family photo shoot for us a few weeks back… for free.  She’d tell you that we were doing her a favor by allowing her to test the lighting in a particular park and by not being afraid of going in the tall grasses and getting dirty.  I tell you, she was being her incredibly generous and thoughtful self!  Fast forward as she’s sending us these gorgeous moments she captured and I’m already in awe.  Well, as we approached Oct 1st, the three year “angel-versary” of our Baby Providence, she gave us THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIFT and THE FIRST TRUE FAMILY PHOTO WE’VE EVER HAD.

As you can see in the picture, there are four shadows… one shadow to represent Baby Mickey, the baby we miscarried before having LJ, and three shadows to represent Babies Moriah, Providence, and Hope, the three we miscarried consecutively after LJ was born.  This came one night after LJ was persistently asking to SEE his siblings and one week after LJ asked “which of our babies is my littlest sister?”  He misses them just like Jake and I do.  He grieves the loss just like we do, only he’s not even five and can’t comprehend WHY he can’t see them.  Thanks to Liz, now he can ❤  SOLEMN JOY.

Just as I entered in to the pain God feels when we choose to turn away from Him, I also felt the immense LOVE of God through a friend who choose to go out of her way to show us loving kindness.  And I tell you, the consolation was so sweet!  Words fail to express how full our hearts have been since having that image in our home. Words fail to capture the permanent mark her thoughtfulness made on my heart.  Words fail to express just how refreshing that light and love were amidst the darkness and death of the week.  But a picture speaks a thousand words!

Thank you, Liz.  Thank you all for walking this road with us.

How often do we hear the words “I’m here if you need anything.” Or “I’m just a phone call/text away.” And tonight I wonder, how many people actually mean that? Sorry if that sounds depressed or pessimistic, but it’s the same as when people say, “I’ll keep you in my prayers.” How many of those promised prayers go unprayed?!?!

When we go through our darkest times we discover who our true friends are. When we are our worst, we find out who truly loves us and who brings out the best in us. Tonight I find myself asking, “what if I’m constantly being that person, that friend to others? Who will be that for me?”

Don’t get me wrong, I have my INNER circle… mainly consists of 3 women – my sister, my “other” mother, Dorinne, and my best friend, Anna. I can reveal my true self, my sinful nature, and my darkest, most challenging thoughts and emotions to them and they don’t judge or try to fix me. But, despite the support, it’s a lonely place to be in when you’re the only person in the conversation who is feeling the way you’re feeling.

You know, Jacob and I have been on this journey of love and loss for almost 4 full years now. The people who once experienced loss with us have gone on to have a baby or babies. The people who experienced infertility have gone into get pregnant. The people we were pregnant with at one point now have 1, 2 or 3 more children. And here we are, healthier than ever (with great hormone levels thanks to NaPro Docs!) and still no pregnancy… and no rainbow baby.

Isolation is the natural extension of that. I withdraw from situations where I’m surrounded by large families. I withdraw from crowds, conversations, casual small talk. I’m ashamed to say, sometimes I even withdraw from my boys. Being present is SO challenging when you’re in your head all the time – thinking, analyzing, rationalizing, and grieving!

And to be honest, as much as I want to believe all the good-hearted people who say they’re here for me, I don’t think many of them could really handle all thats on my heart and in my mind.  I don’t open up anymore to people who can’t relate, because despite their good intentions, they ALWAYS say something stupid or don’t say anything and inevitably make the heartache and loneliness worse.

Goodness! See why I don’t talk to anyone about this? It’s horribly depressing and coming out of MY MOUTH, who usually sings sunshine and butterflies, it’s that much worse. But I believe this is all apart of the process. It’s apart of wrestling with God’s will vs. our own. It’s apart of submitting to His perfect plan and His perfect timing… in Hosea it says “He will lead her to the desert and speak tenderly to her there.” Safe to say, Gods got me alone in the desert and I’m waiting for His tender voice to speak truth and consolation and hope.

Please don’t get me wrong and think I’m saying that withdrawing and isolating is necessarily a healthy option. It’s a survival mechanism… but God can still work in and through it!  So don’t sit there and judge if you’ve never been in this situation… I guarantee the women and men reading this who have experienced a Miscarriage or God-forbid, multiple losses, can totally relate to this feeling of loneliness. And heavens – we’ve been OPEN about our losses! I can’t imagine how heavy this burden is for couples who silently endure this pain.

As tempted as I am to close this post with a list of “what you can do” and “what you could say,” I’m not going to. I’m not going to attempt to fix or change the situation or help you feel better. If you love me, just be here – in the hurt, in the darkness, in the waiting with me. And if you’re walking this road, please know that you’re not alone. And I MEAN IT when I say “I’m here for you.”

Wait.

No one likes to wait. Waiting is hard. It takes patience, and personally, I don’t ever seem to have enough. Waiting is active – there are challenges and opportunities to practice patience and grow in a great number of virtues. Waiting is when growth and preparation happen, when one must remember that God’s delay is NOT God’s denial.

So what does that look like for a miscarriage mommy? How does one wait, let alone wait in joyful hope? Realistically, it’s grueling waiting that first full cycle until you get a “normal period.” Waiting for your HCG numbers to return back to zero. Waiting for your body to stop “feeling” pregnant. And that’s all while you have help and support from your husband and doctor and family and friends if you’re lucky. The waiting gets even more difficult as things “return to normal” for everyone else, but you’re still grieving the fact that you’re “supposed to be pregnant” but aren’t anymore. Your body was on a 9 month trajectory of hormone growth, emotional attachment and mental preparation, and than suddenly it’s not.

Honestly, I don’t have the answers. I’ve been through that process four times. Yes, FOUR TIMES. And the best way I can describe is it that grief comes like labor pains (I know, terrible analogy in this case.) But it comes in waves and you have to breathe deep, let the pain wash over you, and then it will wane. It’s the exact same process physically as it is emotionally. The trouble with grief is that it hits at unexpected times without warning. This is again where the patience comes in, only I’ve found that I need to be patient with myself & allow myself the space and time to grieve when the waves come.

Now as it pertains to waiting in hope, I feel I’ve become an expert, and I’m hoping and praying that what I share with you next will serve as a blessing and maybe help you get to a better mental and emotional state. Most of these ideas have been shared with me from other miscarriage mommies, and I’ve gratefully accepted and implemented them in my own life and heart.

First lesson my husband taught me – dream about and talk about that rainbow baby (a rainbow baby is the baby born after a loss). There was a time in our fertility journey that I WASN’T doing that because I was living in despair. God used my husband to call me out of that place and “speak life” into me again. My mentors in my business always say “what you speak about you bring about.” Why would I practice anything different in an area of my life that I cared about even more than my business? So now, I make it a practice to talk about our future children! “If God blesses us with a girl, I’m gonna LOVE watching you melt everyday,” is an example of something I now say to my husband. It keeps my mind in a positive and hopeful place.

Secondly, I now use my imagination and make up the best most wonderful scenarios of welcoming another baby into our lives. For example, I think about the baby shower that will be thrown when we are pregnant again. There are a LOT of people on this journey with us who will be eager to celebrate new life in my womb. Instead of playing silly games or doing icebreakers, I want every woman present to string together cut out hearts to represent the number of babies she’s conceived and have been either born into Heaven or on this Earth. We will have different colors for miscarriages, still births, infant deaths, and full term babies. Isn’t that a beautiful picture? To celebrate ALL little lives, both on Earth and in Heaven. (Thanks, Theresa for that idea! I still cry whenever I tell people of the vision you had for your shower with YOUR rainbow baby!)

Lets talk about the BAPTISM. The most important day of a child’s life – when he or she becomes 1) a daughter or son of God 2) a brother or sister of Christ Jesus and 3) a living, dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. It’s a BIG DEAL! And at our Parish, our Priest always invites the family & friends of the little one to stand and be recognized as people who will help bring that baby up in the faith. EVERY. TIME. there’s a baptism at church (which, in the 5th largest parish in the Milwaukee Archdiocese, happens A LOT), I imagine THE WHOLE CHURCH STANDING. Lets be real, practically all of them have journeyed with us and EVERYONE will be there to celebrate with us that day!

You see, as believers, we don’t have to be happy all the time. It’s in bearing our burdens and carrying our crosses that we are united to the suffering of Christ and therefore have great joy in that fellowship. A Priest friend often says, “suffering is the kiss of Christ.” Wow – what a beautiful picture! I can just imagine Christ falling under the weight of the Cross, and me meeting him, fallen on the ground… and Him kissing me. Amidst the pain and suffering that evokes great joy!

In the Eucharistic Prayer of the Mass, the Priest says “…as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.” Most of all, what brings me joy throughout experiencing these losses, is that I’ve gained an eternal perspective on life & have passed that along to our son. We KNOW without a doubt that we aren’t made for this world. We are made for Heaven. And there are loved ones there waiting for us – praying for us – as we walk this Earth, attempting to know God, love God, serve God and make God known.

People sometimes say “I don’t want to get my hopes up,” and I like to ask, “what are you afraid of?” I think for a miscarriage family, the answer is obvious. “I’m afraid of losing another baby.” And that I totally get. But when we serve a BIG GOD who promises to give us whatever we ask for in His name, WHY NOT GET OUR HOPES UP??? Because we’re afraid of getting hurt? Our God is the Master Healer! He can do MIRACLES – yesterday, today and forever!

Personally, I’ve come to a place that I KNOW with the grace of God & the support of those around us, (God forbid it happen again) we could get through it. I mean we’ve handled FOUR losses. It’s been harder than words can possibly express, but I’ve grown into the woman God needs me to be because of it. And until He deems it the right time for us to have another little one, it’s my job to cling to His promises to “work all things together for the good of those who love Him.”

Be joyful in hope. Patient in affliction. Faithful in Prayer.
~Romans 12:12

The Lord gives & takes away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.
~Job 1:21