Tag: dates

Ectopic Pregnancy as a Catholic

hopefulmama

Ectopic pregnancy. Something we don’t talk about nearly enough in the miscarriage community, let alone in the Catholic community. It’s the #1 cause of maternal demise in the first trimester of pregnancy… and it could’ve / almost took my life.

January 2022, I was newly pregnant and HORRIBLY sick in bed for 10 days with Covid (or so I thought). When my body was getting weaker and weaker my OB called me in for an ultrasound… and that’s when we heard “I’m not seeing a viable pregnancy IN THE UTERUS.” And it hit me like a ton of bricks – we had a healthy pregnancy, a growing baby with a heartbeat, but in the wrong spot – in my fallopian tube.

Faced with the UNTHINKABLE, as a Catholic, I KNEW what the Church taught, but I called priest after priest that day to confirm it. It was NOT licit to take the methotrexate shot, which would simply flush the tubes and abort the baby. But rather, the only licit option was to remove the entire organ that was “dysfunctional” (in this case my right tube), and subsequently the baby along with it. The “double effect” rule allows for saving the life of the mother, and acknowledges the intent of the procedure is NOT to kill the baby. But it is the most unfortunate, secondary effect of the procedure.

Still, this seemed like an IMPOSSIBLE decision! How could I end my baby’s life when he was perfectly formed & growing (to the day!) and had a beating heart!?!?!?! Certainly the saints would’ve sacrificed their own life! But no – my priest friends assured me. Not when they had other living children to care for and there was a 0% chance this baby could live or be transferred to the uterus (trust me I asked over and over again!) AND was an almost assured death sentence if I continued to carry the pregnancy, as my tube was in the verge of rupturing (if that happens, a mom has less than 5 minutes before she bleeds out).

So we did the best thing we could do for our baby – we asked about baptism. But, the doc told us as soon as she started cutting, our little one would died instantly 😢 BUT in our doctors charity & in the greatest act of care I’ve ever been shown, she (my OB) offered to BAPTIZE OUR BABY IN MY TUBE before she started any cutting! She said “I’ll have saline and suction – you just tell me exactly what you want me to say and I’ll say it.”

I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Those words – everyone in pre-op, all the nurses, the anesthesiologist, the attending physicians, EVERYONE knew & acknowledged that this baby was being baptized before my tube was removed. And that brought such comfort and consolation to my soul. We know that our little one went STRAIGHT to Jesus!

And what a witness to the sanctity of his little life. That in these cases, or even in other in-utero procedures, that a baptism can take place?!?!? How absolutely incredible!

So I am the 1 in 80. And I know of many other women who are in this club as well. It’s a TOUGH club to be in. And there are days when I still have my doubts. But God clearly had a plan to show His glory, when only 1 month post-op, WITH ONLY 1 tube, we conceived little Joseph Patrick! The name Joseph means “to increase.” And that’s our mission through his little life, to INCREASE the amount of glory we give God.

And all of that began with our Saint Leon Samuel (more on his name another day.) born to Heaven on January 10th, 2022. Leon, we love you dearly, and are grateful for your life’s witness and mission! Please pray for us 🙏🏻

Ectopics

hopefulmama

“I’m so sorry. I’m not seeing a healthy pregnancy in the uterus.” Were the words that sent my mind reeling & simultaneously made time stand still. “But! But! But!” was all I could think because I was feeling VERY pregnant, had good rising hcg levels & was confident this was a healthy pregnancy! She repeated, “I’m not seeing a healthy pregnancy IN THE UTERUS,” she emphasized.

Oh. My. Gosh. Her words made one of my worst fears become a reality. “You’re not seeing a healthy pregnancy IN THE UTERUS” I repeated. “You’re seeing a healthy pregnancy in the tube!” And immediately she replied, “yeah… that’s what the doctor’s going to speak with you about.” It hit me like a ton of bricks – we were dealing with an ectopic pregnancy.

This conversation took place 2yrs ago today, and it’s hard to relive, especially because of the juxtaposition between the extreme grief and sadness we felt two years ago and the immense joy and elation that we are experiencing now as we hold our rainbow baby! (He’s now just over 1)

But our son Leon’s story is remarkable in its own way & deserves to be shared (and will be in another post). And the tremendous loss we experienced deserves to be recognized and thoroughly processed. We not only lost a baby, I lost a tube & it felt like we lost the hope of the having another biological baby. After all, it took 6 years to conceive with two tubes! What we’re the chances of conceiving now with just one? I don’t

“DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT’S AN OBSTACLE FOR ME (having just 1 tube)” the Lord asked me that day in prayer. And, “HOW MUCH MORE GLORY COULD YOU GIVE ME IF YOU CONCEIVED WITH ONLY ONE TUBE?!?!”

Admittedly, I was angry, bitter and super doubtful. Yes, I thought having only 1 tube was an obstacle! And again, how likely was it for us to conceive with only 1/2 of my fertility?!?! Well, the Lord in His goodness and mercy and love had an incredible plan. And over the past year the verse “for nothing is impossible with God” has taken on a whole new meaning as I’m sitting here holding our rainbow baby!

Today was filled with a wide array of emotions, ones that are very difficult to articulate. So for tonight, I will send love to little Leon in Heaven & thank him for his sacrifice and for allowing JP to come to our family!

The 10th

hopefulmama

It is no secret that I’m a control freak. As in a full blown Type A, come up with plan A, B, C and even Q to be prepared for anything so I can control as many aspects of the situation as possible. And well when it came to when I was going to go into labor with JP, it was no different.

I had all the possible “options” (aka my preferences) all lined up!

Oct 30th – Anniversary of one of our miscarriages – this would be perfect redemption.

Nov 1st – All Saints – this would be the perfect gift from our little saints in Heaven

Nov 2nd – All Souls – this would be the most beautiful day to bring another soul into this world and pray for those in the next

Nov 4th – our Pastors bday – this would be perfect to give tribute and thanks to a man who has prayed us through our entire fertility journey?

Nov 7th or 9th – the days before or after LJs birthday – this would be the perfect answer to LJs prayer to not share his bday but to have back to back bdays

Nov. 11th – the anniversary of my Grandpa Joe’s death – this would be perfect to bring our Joseph into this world in a day so close to his namesake

and well… no luck on any of those days! Nope, God had other plans. And that whole “Gods timing is perfect” saying? Turns out it’s true!

Our Joseph Patrick was born in November 10th, EXACTLY 10 months after our ectopic pregnancy ended! January 10th was the day we found out our baby Leon was in my right fallopian tube, which was about to burst, and we had surgery that night to remove the tube & subsequently the pregnancy. (No this is not considered an abortion, but rather a procedure to save the mother’s life. More about the church’s teaching about what’s licit in this situation in a post to follow). We’ve always recognized January 10th as Leon’s Heavenly birthday & have also shared with many that “we conceived 1 month after our ectopic… with only 1 tube!”

Now to explain just HOW miraculous this is, you must understand that Jake and I had been trying for 6 years (since our last miscarriage) get pregnant. And if it hadn’t happened in 6 years with TWO tubes, what were the chances that it’d ever happen with only 1 tube?!?!?!

I remember the Lord asking me in prayer, as I rumbled and complained begrudgingly after that loss, “do you think having only 1 tube is an obstacle for me?” Um YEAH I thought to myself… but really I was humbled thinking of the verse “for nothing shall be impossible with God.” (BTW – that verse was spoken to Mary in regards to her old cousin Elizabeth, who was barren when the Lord was informing her she was 6 months pregnant! Aka – that verse was in regards to an infertile woman conceiving!!!) Anyway, I digress…

The Lord revealed His power to us in a VERY REAL, tangible way, when we conceived – without any hormones, without any meds, and without really “trying” – just 1 month after a loss… and with only 1 tube!!!

Throughout JPs pregnancy, however much I thought about Leon, and if he were still here, we wouldn’t be carrying JP, I kind of forgot about the 10th. In fact, I even forgot to celebrate or commemorate what would have been Leon’s due date, which is something I never forget! And even leading into November, I never even considered the 10th as a cool or good option for our due date. After JP was born I even prayed “Lord, maybe someday you’ll reveal to me why Joseph had to come on the 10th,” not thinking anything of it.

Until our son was about two weeks old and I was praying while nursing, and it hit me like a ton of bricks! THE TENTH!!!! Oh my gosh – JP was literally born 10 months TO THE DAY, since our ectopic!!! Conception 1 month after ectopic & then 9 months gestation = 10 months !!! (Insert Maria super humbled and sheepishly approaching the Lord in prayer)

And it wasn’t like God shamed me or guilted me for wondering “why the 10th.” He knows how He made me… and that I have questions, and doubts, and control issues 🤪 and yet He delights in showing up and surprising me & blessing me in big ways over and over again! So until my dying day, I will remember and be grateful that despite my efforts to control what day our little son arrived, that the Lord had better and more perfect plans for us. What a good lesson for us all to learn!

Dates

hopefulmama

Dates are really just numbers in a calendar throughout the year. Then how come some of them carry so much more weight than others? For a miscarriage couple, that answer is obvious. Because those numbers signify the end of a life. They carry the sadness of a broken heart and the burden no parent should ever have to carry. Those numbers mark the date our baby passed.

Today is one of those days for me. May 30th. The day, four years ago, that we birthed Baby Hope to Heaven. I’d been carrying his lifeless little body inside of me for two weeks, knowing his little heart had stopped beating, but waiting for my body to recognize that and for nature to take it’s course.  During that time, we prayed desperately for a miracle, and yet resorted ourselves to the fact that God’s will, no matter what that be, is better than ours.

Then it happened. I started spotting late on May 29th and knew exactly what was coming. At 3am, the hour of Divine Mercy, I woke up to a gush and hurried to the bathroom. But I paused before sitting down, knowing, as any birthing mother knows, that with that next push, my baby was going to come out.  Sure enough, in a perfect, little, water-balloon like yolk-sac came out completely in tact, and there inside was a perfectly formed little baby… just bigger than the size of a gummy bear.  He fit perfectly inside my hand as we held him, baptized him, and cried over him.

How could anyone ever forget a day like that. You can’t. Those moments in that bathroom with my husband, in the middle of the night, are permanently etched in my head and heart.  The peace and quiet… the depth of sadness… yet the gratitude for providence that our 3.5yr old son Jacob was alive and well and sleeping in his bed.

No matter how many years pass, though, those dates still loom over head.  The dread as the day approaches, the deep breaths as the day ensues, and the sigh of relief as the day passes… we’ve survived that date one more year.