Tag: faith

Ectopic Pregnancy as a Catholic

hopefulmama

Ectopic pregnancy. Something we don’t talk about nearly enough in the miscarriage community, let alone in the Catholic community. It’s the #1 cause of maternal demise in the first trimester of pregnancy… and it could’ve / almost took my life.

January 2022, I was newly pregnant and HORRIBLY sick in bed for 10 days with Covid (or so I thought). When my body was getting weaker and weaker my OB called me in for an ultrasound… and that’s when we heard “I’m not seeing a viable pregnancy IN THE UTERUS.” And it hit me like a ton of bricks – we had a healthy pregnancy, a growing baby with a heartbeat, but in the wrong spot – in my fallopian tube.

Faced with the UNTHINKABLE, as a Catholic, I KNEW what the Church taught, but I called priest after priest that day to confirm it. It was NOT licit to take the methotrexate shot, which would simply flush the tubes and abort the baby. But rather, the only licit option was to remove the entire organ that was “dysfunctional” (in this case my right tube), and subsequently the baby along with it. The “double effect” rule allows for saving the life of the mother, and acknowledges the intent of the procedure is NOT to kill the baby. But it is the most unfortunate, secondary effect of the procedure.

Still, this seemed like an IMPOSSIBLE decision! How could I end my baby’s life when he was perfectly formed & growing (to the day!) and had a beating heart!?!?!?! Certainly the saints would’ve sacrificed their own life! But no – my priest friends assured me. Not when they had other living children to care for and there was a 0% chance this baby could live or be transferred to the uterus (trust me I asked over and over again!) AND was an almost assured death sentence if I continued to carry the pregnancy, as my tube was in the verge of rupturing (if that happens, a mom has less than 5 minutes before she bleeds out).

So we did the best thing we could do for our baby – we asked about baptism. But, the doc told us as soon as she started cutting, our little one would died instantly 😢 BUT in our doctors charity & in the greatest act of care I’ve ever been shown, she (my OB) offered to BAPTIZE OUR BABY IN MY TUBE before she started any cutting! She said “I’ll have saline and suction – you just tell me exactly what you want me to say and I’ll say it.”

I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Those words – everyone in pre-op, all the nurses, the anesthesiologist, the attending physicians, EVERYONE knew & acknowledged that this baby was being baptized before my tube was removed. And that brought such comfort and consolation to my soul. We know that our little one went STRAIGHT to Jesus!

And what a witness to the sanctity of his little life. That in these cases, or even in other in-utero procedures, that a baptism can take place?!?!? How absolutely incredible!

So I am the 1 in 80. And I know of many other women who are in this club as well. It’s a TOUGH club to be in. And there are days when I still have my doubts. But God clearly had a plan to show His glory, when only 1 month post-op, WITH ONLY 1 tube, we conceived little Joseph Patrick! The name Joseph means “to increase.” And that’s our mission through his little life, to INCREASE the amount of glory we give God.

And all of that began with our Saint Leon Samuel (more on his name another day.) born to Heaven on January 10th, 2022. Leon, we love you dearly, and are grateful for your life’s witness and mission! Please pray for us 🙏🏻

Ectopics

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“I’m so sorry. I’m not seeing a healthy pregnancy in the uterus.” Were the words that sent my mind reeling & simultaneously made time stand still. “But! But! But!” was all I could think because I was feeling VERY pregnant, had good rising hcg levels & was confident this was a healthy pregnancy! She repeated, “I’m not seeing a healthy pregnancy IN THE UTERUS,” she emphasized.

Oh. My. Gosh. Her words made one of my worst fears become a reality. “You’re not seeing a healthy pregnancy IN THE UTERUS” I repeated. “You’re seeing a healthy pregnancy in the tube!” And immediately she replied, “yeah… that’s what the doctor’s going to speak with you about.” It hit me like a ton of bricks – we were dealing with an ectopic pregnancy.

This conversation took place 2yrs ago today, and it’s hard to relive, especially because of the juxtaposition between the extreme grief and sadness we felt two years ago and the immense joy and elation that we are experiencing now as we hold our rainbow baby! (He’s now just over 1)

But our son Leon’s story is remarkable in its own way & deserves to be shared (and will be in another post). And the tremendous loss we experienced deserves to be recognized and thoroughly processed. We not only lost a baby, I lost a tube & it felt like we lost the hope of the having another biological baby. After all, it took 6 years to conceive with two tubes! What we’re the chances of conceiving now with just one? I don’t

“DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT’S AN OBSTACLE FOR ME (having just 1 tube)” the Lord asked me that day in prayer. And, “HOW MUCH MORE GLORY COULD YOU GIVE ME IF YOU CONCEIVED WITH ONLY ONE TUBE?!?!”

Admittedly, I was angry, bitter and super doubtful. Yes, I thought having only 1 tube was an obstacle! And again, how likely was it for us to conceive with only 1/2 of my fertility?!?! Well, the Lord in His goodness and mercy and love had an incredible plan. And over the past year the verse “for nothing is impossible with God” has taken on a whole new meaning as I’m sitting here holding our rainbow baby!

Today was filled with a wide array of emotions, ones that are very difficult to articulate. So for tonight, I will send love to little Leon in Heaven & thank him for his sacrifice and for allowing JP to come to our family!

Ultrasounds

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Ultrasounds can trigger major PTSD for a mom who’s previously experienced a miscarriage. Will I have the same technician? Will they find a heartbeat? Will this be the scan that breaks my heart and shatters my dreams? Or will I be able to breathe after today? These are just some of the thoughts that go through our minds. And last year – St Patrick’s Day 2022 – was one of those days for me. The first ultrasound for this pregnancy, a pregnancy following an ectopic loss.

This pregnancy was a complete surprise to us! We conceived just 1 cycle after our ectopic loss of baby Leon and loss of my right fallopian tube. Prior to that we’d been trying to conceive for 6 years, so WHY would we think we’d conceive anytime soon now that I only had 1 tube?!?! So although we were pleasantly surprised that we were expecting, I was also crippled with fear. What if I have another ectopic and lose my only tube left? I can’t imagine being sterile at 35!

And wouldn’t you know it, we have the same ultrasound technician who had to tell us during the last pregnancy that our baby was in my tube. She was incredibly compassionate, sharing how often she’d thought of us & prayed for us & got excited for us as she saw us on her schedule! But still, my stress & fear & anxiety were palpable as she started her scan with all the disclaimers. She can’t show me the screen or the pictures. She’s going to take all of her pictures before telling me anything. And we’re not looking for a baby or a heartbeat – just looking for the sac to be in the uterus. Blah blah blah blah – the same stuff I’ve heard time and time again at these early scans. I should be used to this by now! I mean, my track record up until this point was 1 for 6. That’s right – I’d had FIVE miscarriages and one live birth. But, I laid back and tried to breathe and relax and trust in Gods plan. Easier said than done!

“THE BABY’S IN THE UTERUS!” the tech screamed just 1 minute into the scan! Bless her heart, those words were music to my ears and SUCH a blessing to dispel my biggest fear (another ectopic) right away! I sighed a BIG sigh of relief and we went on with the scan. Praise God we saw “the Diamond ring” image they were looking for, where the band is the yolk sac and the Diamond is literally the baby. It was AMAZING!

Yet how many more scans like this would I have to have in this pregnancy. Would the “bad news” ultrasound be inevitable? Or do I dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, I could carry 1 more baby to term? That had been my prayer for over nine years – “Lord, please just let me carry 1 more, healthy baby full term!” Could this be it?!?!

I borrowed belief from the three people closest to me – my husband, my best friend, and my mom – who all along kept saying I was going to have another biological baby. And I cautiously held my breath, as two priest friends shared stories of women who went on to have bio babies post-ectopic pregnancies & lost tubes. And here I am, 1 year later, holding our miracle – our rainbow baby, a perfectly healthy 4 month old baby boy!

So if you’re dealing with those kind of scary or triggering ultrasounds right now, know that you’re not alone. The trauma is real. The fear is real and completely valid. And yet – we serve a God of miracles. The God who makes the impossible possible! So borrow my belief, that maybe, just maybe, this could be the start of something wonderful!

The 10th

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It is no secret that I’m a control freak. As in a full blown Type A, come up with plan A, B, C and even Q to be prepared for anything so I can control as many aspects of the situation as possible. And well when it came to when I was going to go into labor with JP, it was no different.

I had all the possible “options” (aka my preferences) all lined up!

Oct 30th – Anniversary of one of our miscarriages – this would be perfect redemption.

Nov 1st – All Saints – this would be the perfect gift from our little saints in Heaven

Nov 2nd – All Souls – this would be the most beautiful day to bring another soul into this world and pray for those in the next

Nov 4th – our Pastors bday – this would be perfect to give tribute and thanks to a man who has prayed us through our entire fertility journey?

Nov 7th or 9th – the days before or after LJs birthday – this would be the perfect answer to LJs prayer to not share his bday but to have back to back bdays

Nov. 11th – the anniversary of my Grandpa Joe’s death – this would be perfect to bring our Joseph into this world in a day so close to his namesake

and well… no luck on any of those days! Nope, God had other plans. And that whole “Gods timing is perfect” saying? Turns out it’s true!

Our Joseph Patrick was born in November 10th, EXACTLY 10 months after our ectopic pregnancy ended! January 10th was the day we found out our baby Leon was in my right fallopian tube, which was about to burst, and we had surgery that night to remove the tube & subsequently the pregnancy. (No this is not considered an abortion, but rather a procedure to save the mother’s life. More about the church’s teaching about what’s licit in this situation in a post to follow). We’ve always recognized January 10th as Leon’s Heavenly birthday & have also shared with many that “we conceived 1 month after our ectopic… with only 1 tube!”

Now to explain just HOW miraculous this is, you must understand that Jake and I had been trying for 6 years (since our last miscarriage) get pregnant. And if it hadn’t happened in 6 years with TWO tubes, what were the chances that it’d ever happen with only 1 tube?!?!?!

I remember the Lord asking me in prayer, as I rumbled and complained begrudgingly after that loss, “do you think having only 1 tube is an obstacle for me?” Um YEAH I thought to myself… but really I was humbled thinking of the verse “for nothing shall be impossible with God.” (BTW – that verse was spoken to Mary in regards to her old cousin Elizabeth, who was barren when the Lord was informing her she was 6 months pregnant! Aka – that verse was in regards to an infertile woman conceiving!!!) Anyway, I digress…

The Lord revealed His power to us in a VERY REAL, tangible way, when we conceived – without any hormones, without any meds, and without really “trying” – just 1 month after a loss… and with only 1 tube!!!

Throughout JPs pregnancy, however much I thought about Leon, and if he were still here, we wouldn’t be carrying JP, I kind of forgot about the 10th. In fact, I even forgot to celebrate or commemorate what would have been Leon’s due date, which is something I never forget! And even leading into November, I never even considered the 10th as a cool or good option for our due date. After JP was born I even prayed “Lord, maybe someday you’ll reveal to me why Joseph had to come on the 10th,” not thinking anything of it.

Until our son was about two weeks old and I was praying while nursing, and it hit me like a ton of bricks! THE TENTH!!!! Oh my gosh – JP was literally born 10 months TO THE DAY, since our ectopic!!! Conception 1 month after ectopic & then 9 months gestation = 10 months !!! (Insert Maria super humbled and sheepishly approaching the Lord in prayer)

And it wasn’t like God shamed me or guilted me for wondering “why the 10th.” He knows how He made me… and that I have questions, and doubts, and control issues 🤪 and yet He delights in showing up and surprising me & blessing me in big ways over and over again! So until my dying day, I will remember and be grateful that despite my efforts to control what day our little son arrived, that the Lord had better and more perfect plans for us. What a good lesson for us all to learn!

First Sunday of Advent – HOPE

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“Faith is the certainty of things hoped for and the assurance of things unseen. “ – Hebrews 11:1

Reflecting on the Holy Family at dinner tonight, we imagined what Mary and Joseph must have felt as they awaited the birth of Jesus.

Fear – was this really possible? Was everything going to plan?

*Wonder – how powerful is God to do something like this?!?!

*Anticipation – when is this baby going to arrive?

*Excitement- the feeling that they cannot wait to see what their family looks like in with this child will do

These are just to name a few. And in a similar, but different way, we were able to relate to them all! Having just completed a pregnancy, and a miraculous one at that, we felt fear, wonder, anticipation, excitement, and so much more!

I have been certain for 10 years that I hoped to be pregnant again. I prayed for 10 years that I could be pregnant again and carry just one more baby full-term. Was I certain it would happen? I’m sad to say no. But I held onto the belief that those closest to me held for me.

It wasn’t until a year and a half ago May 2021, that I had any kind of assurance of some thing unseen. Jacob and I were in St. Louis for a fertility procedure, and while in prayer at their basilica, I clearly heard the Lord tell me “you’ll have another boy coming to your family.“ And again, I am ashamed to admit my disbelief. But the Lord assured me in a very stern and serious voice, “Maria, do you have another boy coming to your family… And his name is Joseph Patrick.”

“The promise of things hoped for, and the certainty of things unseen,” took out a whole new meaning for me. I imagine feeling how Abraham and Sarah must’ve felt! I mean, I didn’t laugh at God, but I definitely wondered if he was sending the message to the right Maria!

I’ve held onto that for a year and a half, and to be holding the miracle child that God prophesied into my life is completely surreal! And he’s definitely not the Christ child! But I am grateful for a deeper glimpse into the mystery of the incarnation & a better understanding of what the holy family may have experienced in their anticipation, leading up to the birth of Christ.

Hope in God does not disappoint, my friends. May this Advent season, teach us to have bigger faith in a deeper hope.