Tag: Hope

Ectopics

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“I’m so sorry. I’m not seeing a healthy pregnancy in the uterus.” Were the words that sent my mind reeling & simultaneously made time stand still. “But! But! But!” was all I could think because I was feeling VERY pregnant, had good rising hcg levels & was confident this was a healthy pregnancy! She repeated, “I’m not seeing a healthy pregnancy IN THE UTERUS,” she emphasized.

Oh. My. Gosh. Her words made one of my worst fears become a reality. “You’re not seeing a healthy pregnancy IN THE UTERUS” I repeated. “You’re seeing a healthy pregnancy in the tube!” And immediately she replied, “yeah… that’s what the doctor’s going to speak with you about.” It hit me like a ton of bricks – we were dealing with an ectopic pregnancy.

This conversation took place 2yrs ago today, and it’s hard to relive, especially because of the juxtaposition between the extreme grief and sadness we felt two years ago and the immense joy and elation that we are experiencing now as we hold our rainbow baby! (He’s now just over 1)

But our son Leon’s story is remarkable in its own way & deserves to be shared (and will be in another post). And the tremendous loss we experienced deserves to be recognized and thoroughly processed. We not only lost a baby, I lost a tube & it felt like we lost the hope of the having another biological baby. After all, it took 6 years to conceive with two tubes! What we’re the chances of conceiving now with just one? I don’t

“DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT’S AN OBSTACLE FOR ME (having just 1 tube)” the Lord asked me that day in prayer. And, “HOW MUCH MORE GLORY COULD YOU GIVE ME IF YOU CONCEIVED WITH ONLY ONE TUBE?!?!”

Admittedly, I was angry, bitter and super doubtful. Yes, I thought having only 1 tube was an obstacle! And again, how likely was it for us to conceive with only 1/2 of my fertility?!?! Well, the Lord in His goodness and mercy and love had an incredible plan. And over the past year the verse “for nothing is impossible with God” has taken on a whole new meaning as I’m sitting here holding our rainbow baby!

Today was filled with a wide array of emotions, ones that are very difficult to articulate. So for tonight, I will send love to little Leon in Heaven & thank him for his sacrifice and for allowing JP to come to our family!

Ultrasounds

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Ultrasounds can trigger major PTSD for a mom who’s previously experienced a miscarriage. Will I have the same technician? Will they find a heartbeat? Will this be the scan that breaks my heart and shatters my dreams? Or will I be able to breathe after today? These are just some of the thoughts that go through our minds. And last year – St Patrick’s Day 2022 – was one of those days for me. The first ultrasound for this pregnancy, a pregnancy following an ectopic loss.

This pregnancy was a complete surprise to us! We conceived just 1 cycle after our ectopic loss of baby Leon and loss of my right fallopian tube. Prior to that we’d been trying to conceive for 6 years, so WHY would we think we’d conceive anytime soon now that I only had 1 tube?!?! So although we were pleasantly surprised that we were expecting, I was also crippled with fear. What if I have another ectopic and lose my only tube left? I can’t imagine being sterile at 35!

And wouldn’t you know it, we have the same ultrasound technician who had to tell us during the last pregnancy that our baby was in my tube. She was incredibly compassionate, sharing how often she’d thought of us & prayed for us & got excited for us as she saw us on her schedule! But still, my stress & fear & anxiety were palpable as she started her scan with all the disclaimers. She can’t show me the screen or the pictures. She’s going to take all of her pictures before telling me anything. And we’re not looking for a baby or a heartbeat – just looking for the sac to be in the uterus. Blah blah blah blah – the same stuff I’ve heard time and time again at these early scans. I should be used to this by now! I mean, my track record up until this point was 1 for 6. That’s right – I’d had FIVE miscarriages and one live birth. But, I laid back and tried to breathe and relax and trust in Gods plan. Easier said than done!

“THE BABY’S IN THE UTERUS!” the tech screamed just 1 minute into the scan! Bless her heart, those words were music to my ears and SUCH a blessing to dispel my biggest fear (another ectopic) right away! I sighed a BIG sigh of relief and we went on with the scan. Praise God we saw “the Diamond ring” image they were looking for, where the band is the yolk sac and the Diamond is literally the baby. It was AMAZING!

Yet how many more scans like this would I have to have in this pregnancy. Would the “bad news” ultrasound be inevitable? Or do I dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, I could carry 1 more baby to term? That had been my prayer for over nine years – “Lord, please just let me carry 1 more, healthy baby full term!” Could this be it?!?!

I borrowed belief from the three people closest to me – my husband, my best friend, and my mom – who all along kept saying I was going to have another biological baby. And I cautiously held my breath, as two priest friends shared stories of women who went on to have bio babies post-ectopic pregnancies & lost tubes. And here I am, 1 year later, holding our miracle – our rainbow baby, a perfectly healthy 4 month old baby boy!

So if you’re dealing with those kind of scary or triggering ultrasounds right now, know that you’re not alone. The trauma is real. The fear is real and completely valid. And yet – we serve a God of miracles. The God who makes the impossible possible! So borrow my belief, that maybe, just maybe, this could be the start of something wonderful!

The 10th

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It is no secret that I’m a control freak. As in a full blown Type A, come up with plan A, B, C and even Q to be prepared for anything so I can control as many aspects of the situation as possible. And well when it came to when I was going to go into labor with JP, it was no different.

I had all the possible “options” (aka my preferences) all lined up!

Oct 30th – Anniversary of one of our miscarriages – this would be perfect redemption.

Nov 1st – All Saints – this would be the perfect gift from our little saints in Heaven

Nov 2nd – All Souls – this would be the most beautiful day to bring another soul into this world and pray for those in the next

Nov 4th – our Pastors bday – this would be perfect to give tribute and thanks to a man who has prayed us through our entire fertility journey?

Nov 7th or 9th – the days before or after LJs birthday – this would be the perfect answer to LJs prayer to not share his bday but to have back to back bdays

Nov. 11th – the anniversary of my Grandpa Joe’s death – this would be perfect to bring our Joseph into this world in a day so close to his namesake

and well… no luck on any of those days! Nope, God had other plans. And that whole “Gods timing is perfect” saying? Turns out it’s true!

Our Joseph Patrick was born in November 10th, EXACTLY 10 months after our ectopic pregnancy ended! January 10th was the day we found out our baby Leon was in my right fallopian tube, which was about to burst, and we had surgery that night to remove the tube & subsequently the pregnancy. (No this is not considered an abortion, but rather a procedure to save the mother’s life. More about the church’s teaching about what’s licit in this situation in a post to follow). We’ve always recognized January 10th as Leon’s Heavenly birthday & have also shared with many that “we conceived 1 month after our ectopic… with only 1 tube!”

Now to explain just HOW miraculous this is, you must understand that Jake and I had been trying for 6 years (since our last miscarriage) get pregnant. And if it hadn’t happened in 6 years with TWO tubes, what were the chances that it’d ever happen with only 1 tube?!?!?!

I remember the Lord asking me in prayer, as I rumbled and complained begrudgingly after that loss, “do you think having only 1 tube is an obstacle for me?” Um YEAH I thought to myself… but really I was humbled thinking of the verse “for nothing shall be impossible with God.” (BTW – that verse was spoken to Mary in regards to her old cousin Elizabeth, who was barren when the Lord was informing her she was 6 months pregnant! Aka – that verse was in regards to an infertile woman conceiving!!!) Anyway, I digress…

The Lord revealed His power to us in a VERY REAL, tangible way, when we conceived – without any hormones, without any meds, and without really “trying” – just 1 month after a loss… and with only 1 tube!!!

Throughout JPs pregnancy, however much I thought about Leon, and if he were still here, we wouldn’t be carrying JP, I kind of forgot about the 10th. In fact, I even forgot to celebrate or commemorate what would have been Leon’s due date, which is something I never forget! And even leading into November, I never even considered the 10th as a cool or good option for our due date. After JP was born I even prayed “Lord, maybe someday you’ll reveal to me why Joseph had to come on the 10th,” not thinking anything of it.

Until our son was about two weeks old and I was praying while nursing, and it hit me like a ton of bricks! THE TENTH!!!! Oh my gosh – JP was literally born 10 months TO THE DAY, since our ectopic!!! Conception 1 month after ectopic & then 9 months gestation = 10 months !!! (Insert Maria super humbled and sheepishly approaching the Lord in prayer)

And it wasn’t like God shamed me or guilted me for wondering “why the 10th.” He knows how He made me… and that I have questions, and doubts, and control issues 🤪 and yet He delights in showing up and surprising me & blessing me in big ways over and over again! So until my dying day, I will remember and be grateful that despite my efforts to control what day our little son arrived, that the Lord had better and more perfect plans for us. What a good lesson for us all to learn!

First Sunday of Advent – HOPE

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“Faith is the certainty of things hoped for and the assurance of things unseen. “ – Hebrews 11:1

Reflecting on the Holy Family at dinner tonight, we imagined what Mary and Joseph must have felt as they awaited the birth of Jesus.

Fear – was this really possible? Was everything going to plan?

*Wonder – how powerful is God to do something like this?!?!

*Anticipation – when is this baby going to arrive?

*Excitement- the feeling that they cannot wait to see what their family looks like in with this child will do

These are just to name a few. And in a similar, but different way, we were able to relate to them all! Having just completed a pregnancy, and a miraculous one at that, we felt fear, wonder, anticipation, excitement, and so much more!

I have been certain for 10 years that I hoped to be pregnant again. I prayed for 10 years that I could be pregnant again and carry just one more baby full-term. Was I certain it would happen? I’m sad to say no. But I held onto the belief that those closest to me held for me.

It wasn’t until a year and a half ago May 2021, that I had any kind of assurance of some thing unseen. Jacob and I were in St. Louis for a fertility procedure, and while in prayer at their basilica, I clearly heard the Lord tell me “you’ll have another boy coming to your family.“ And again, I am ashamed to admit my disbelief. But the Lord assured me in a very stern and serious voice, “Maria, do you have another boy coming to your family… And his name is Joseph Patrick.”

“The promise of things hoped for, and the certainty of things unseen,” took out a whole new meaning for me. I imagine feeling how Abraham and Sarah must’ve felt! I mean, I didn’t laugh at God, but I definitely wondered if he was sending the message to the right Maria!

I’ve held onto that for a year and a half, and to be holding the miracle child that God prophesied into my life is completely surreal! And he’s definitely not the Christ child! But I am grateful for a deeper glimpse into the mystery of the incarnation & a better understanding of what the holy family may have experienced in their anticipation, leading up to the birth of Christ.

Hope in God does not disappoint, my friends. May this Advent season, teach us to have bigger faith in a deeper hope.

The Silent Struggle

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Everyone knows someone who has experienced THIS. There’s fault – blame – a disfunction – inherent in the name “mis-carriage.” It describes how a woman’s body carried her baby poorly… in other words, her baby died. And it *seems* to be the fault of the mother’s body.

What a horrible name for this process. As women, we are hard enough on ourselves in life, constantly comparing ourselves to others- like prettier wives, happier couples, bigger houses, smarter kids… now we compare ourselves and find our worth (or lack there of) in how many healthy children we’ve been able to bear to full term!

For me, my track record sucks. I am literally 1 for 6 in pregnancies. Yes I’ve had 5 miscarriages (this last one being ectopic) and 1 live birth. Our ratio only looks slightly better because we adopted a little girl! So I have 2 children on Earth while 5 look down from Heaven.

The silent struggle is fighting off the lie that “I’ve done something wrong! My body failed me.” The Enemy absolutely wants to take down the confidence of women, especially in regards to her fertility and ability to partake in the creation of more souls that resemble the image of the Father. And so he feeds us these lies that it’s our fault that our baby died. He tries to convince us that if we’d only done more or done less, the pregnancy could’ve ended up differently.

But no- we must fight this urge to give into despair and false guilt. We must call out the author of lies for what he is – a liar! We must hold onto the truths that “we are fearfully and wonderfully made,” and that God “knew us before he knit us together in our mothers womb.”

Dear Baby Leon, please help us feel your presence. Heal my aching heart & help me know the comfort and joy you’ve found in Heaven!

Dates

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Dates are really just numbers in a calendar throughout the year. Then how come some of them carry so much more weight than others? For a miscarriage couple, that answer is obvious. Because those numbers signify the end of a life. They carry the sadness of a broken heart and the burden no parent should ever have to carry. Those numbers mark the date our baby passed.

Today is one of those days for me. May 30th. The day, four years ago, that we birthed Baby Hope to Heaven. I’d been carrying his lifeless little body inside of me for two weeks, knowing his little heart had stopped beating, but waiting for my body to recognize that and for nature to take it’s course.  During that time, we prayed desperately for a miracle, and yet resorted ourselves to the fact that God’s will, no matter what that be, is better than ours.

Then it happened. I started spotting late on May 29th and knew exactly what was coming. At 3am, the hour of Divine Mercy, I woke up to a gush and hurried to the bathroom. But I paused before sitting down, knowing, as any birthing mother knows, that with that next push, my baby was going to come out.  Sure enough, in a perfect, little, water-balloon like yolk-sac came out completely in tact, and there inside was a perfectly formed little baby… just bigger than the size of a gummy bear.  He fit perfectly inside my hand as we held him, baptized him, and cried over him.

How could anyone ever forget a day like that. You can’t. Those moments in that bathroom with my husband, in the middle of the night, are permanently etched in my head and heart.  The peace and quiet… the depth of sadness… yet the gratitude for providence that our 3.5yr old son Jacob was alive and well and sleeping in his bed.

No matter how many years pass, though, those dates still loom over head.  The dread as the day approaches, the deep breaths as the day ensues, and the sigh of relief as the day passes… we’ve survived that date one more year.

 

The Gift

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As a newlywed young wife, I was blissfully naive to the challenges of infertility and loss. Although my mother had suffered multiple miscarriages in my childhood, I thought getting pregnant and carrying to term would be easy. It was a rude awakening when we miscarried our first baby and I became the 1 in the statistic that “1 in 4 women” lose a child. The innocent gift of naivety was gone along with my baby.

The fear and anxiety I had with our second pregnancy was palpable, but I refused to allow it to become all consuming. I fought with all my might to stay mentally disciplined and think full-term, positive thoughts. We were blessed to carry our son LJ to 40 weeks and deliver a healthy baby boy (somehow he’s now 6.5yrs old!)

When he was 9months old, we discovered we were pregnant yet again. Following on the heels of a full-term pregnancy, I thought we could carry to term again. But I was mistaken… not once, but three times in a row as we miscarried three times in 18months.

What happened in the process was something I couldn’t have predicted. The gift of blind trust and naive thinking was traded for a gift much greater. The gift of perspective.

Although I would love to have our 4 little saints with us on this Earth, because they are not, I understand how miraculous every single pregnancy is. I celebrate the birth of every single baby. I recognize the gift of ALL human lives.

Miscarriage mommies all have this in common – they don’t take their pregnancies or their babies for granted (not saying that mommies who haven’t experienced a miscarriage do.) But in a particular way miscarriage mommies know and appreciate what they have because they know and recognize what they have lost. This is the blessing, and the curse, of the gift they have been given… the gift of perspective.

Sensitivities

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MOne small gesture can go a long way, especially when dealing with a grieving heart. Acknowledging a person’s loss & being sensitive to how they may be feeling can impact not only how they respond to that situation but also how loved they feel. 

For a miscarriage mommy, it’s important to be most sensitive when announcing a pregnancy or a birth in front of her or to her or around her.

You see, miscarriage mommies and daddies just want to know that you haven’t forgotten about the little one(s) they lost & that you haven’t forgotten that they themselves are still hurting.  They want you to know that, although they are excited for you, they are consumed with their sorrow. They want you to know they are sorry when they feel jealous and envious of you, but it’s a feeling they can’t control. They want you to know that they wish it was different, but that they are making the best of it. 

And how, you may wonder, can you help with that? Put words to the silent reality they are dealing with. Acknowledge the elephant in the room. Tell them you are sorry. Tell them you haven’t forgotten about their loss. Tell them you wish it was them sharing the news that they’re expecting. Tell them they are not alone.

What you don’t want to do is shame them for their grief or rush them along in the process. Instead of searching for words that attempt to make them feel better, just sit with them, in their pain for awhile…. and maybe bring chocolate and wine!

The smallest of gestures can go a long way in being sensitive to where another person is at.

 

Solidarity

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October is pregnant and infant loss awareness month. It’s a time when women bravely share that they are apart of the 1 in 4 women who experience the loss of a child to miscarriage or stillbirth. It’s when women seem to come out in droves, sharing that they too have experienced an unforgettable loss. Each of these women belong to a club they never signed up for. 

The thing about clubs, though, is you typically know who else belongs to the club. And there’s camaraderie, there is sharing, there is togetherness, there is laughter, and there are tears. Unfortunately, there is a stigma around pregnancy and infant loss that often silences those who are suffering and therefore prevents others from coming alongside to support and encourage them.

With each of our four babies that were delivered into Heaven, the Lord birthed a ministry in our lives and mission here in Earth. I’m here to break the silence! I’m here to be the voice that says “you’re not alone.” I’m here to cry with you and pray for you and hope with you for the rainbow to come after the storm. Im here for you in solidarity. Who’s with me?

“Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15