Tag: miscarriage mom

Mount Moriah

hopefulmama

Old Testament stories sometimes seem outlandish to us today in 2017. Take Abraham and Isaac for instance. By God’s command, Father Abraham takes his son Isaac up a mountain and prepares to kill him as an offering to the Lord (anyone see the foreshadowing of what God actually does for us in sacrificing His son Jesus? Ok good. Just checking). Crazy, right?!?!

Well, on Oct 30th, 2013, I learned what it meant “to lay ones child down” and offer them back up to God. This time it wasn’t on Mount Moriah, though. Moriah was in my womb.

I was in my first trimester, and Jacob and I had already seen the beautiful flicker of a heartbeat at an early ultrasound. We were prepared & expecting to go full term, just like we had with our son one year earlier.  But at my next OB appointment, that flicker was gone, and I was devastated.

I’ll spare you the details of this tragedy (I’ll share Moriah’s full story another day,) but will tell you  that having this baby almost killed me… literally.  Our bathroom looked like a murder scene. I hemmoraged for three straight hours, went into shock and was passing out. But I vividly remember saying to Jacob, “if I passed the baby, that was it” when her little body perfectly encased in a water balloon like yolk sac left mine.

And I knew what Abraham must have felt like… hating his body for doing something that his mind and heart were screaming NOT to do. Only He was laying down his son out of obedience to God… I didn’t have a choice. And an angel stopped Abraham from killing Isaac that day. For us, there was no saving our little one.

How my husband came up with the name Moriah is beyond me. But he KNEW it was the Mount where Abraham, the Father of our Faith, laid his son down.  So in faith, we also laid our daughter down.

The Lord gives. The Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Transitions

hopefulmama

Did you know that transitions evoke the same amount of stress whether they are a positive or negative change?  Think about it. Getting married is a beautiful and joyful transition uniting one’s life with the one they love.  Yet, their is still loss involved – a woman loses her name and in a sense her identity.  A man loses his bachelor status (tragic, I know). So perhaps we should consider genuinely asking newlyweds “how are you doing?” after they tie the knot.   Same goes with becoming a parent.  One gains the most beautiful gift in the world – the gift of life and unspeakable joy, yet simultaneously gives up any hope of alone time, personal space, or sleep anytime in the near future! How often do we genuinely ask new mommies and daddies, “no really – how are you doing?”  As much of a positive change as it could be, there is stress, and some might say grief or anxiety involved with many of life’s transitions!

I’ve found it helps to identify the “losses” and then choose how to react to the situation. There are always two sides of a coin – one side will always win the coin toss,  but not without recognizing there is another side to the coin that could possibly win 2 out of 3 times.  It’s ok, healthy actually, to recognize both the joys and the struggles throughout the transitions in our life.  We will never transition well without recognizing what we are losing, choosing how to react to that loss and then ceremonially memorializing the change.

Why write about this now you may ask.  Well, isn’t it obvious?  Every parent is about to send their child/children BACK TO SCHOOL! And I’m no different… my son, my only living child, goes off to 4K tomorrow. Yes, 4K… and it feels like I’m sending him away to college, even though his classroom is literally just down the hallway from my office! You see, when you’re a baby-loss parent, there’s a new level of appreciation and love for any living children you may have.  I have love in my heart for ALL FIVE of my children, but all that love and attention get poured into our four-and-a-half year old, as he’s the only one living here on this Earth (all the mama bear protective instincts get focussed on him too- for better or worse). So, as we transition him into school five, half-days a week, I find myself grieving the loss of his presence in my day as much as rejoicing at the smart, compassionate, and kind little boy he’s turning out to be.

A beautiful Mary Kay mentor of mine once shared the story of her son who was serving in the military.  One day, two servicemen showed up at her door, and before they could deliver the news that her son was killed in action, her immediate thought (I repeat, IMMEDIATE THOUGHT) was “check. that one’s in Heaven.”  Let that sink in for a minute. Not devastation. Not panic, anxiety, or sadness.  Gratitude.  She understood her purpose as a mother was to get her children to Heaven, because ultimately they are only on loan to us for a time from our Heavenly Father.  To have that kind of perspective is something I can only hope and pray for!

So as I send LJ off to college, I mean 4K, tomorrow, I’ll strive to remember that God has prepared us for this.  God has shaped my son’s little heart to love and serve Him by loving and serving others.  God has shaped my heart as a mother to nurture and empower LJ to go out into the world and make a difference.  And God has promised that He will be with us always… even as we send our kids to 4K.