Ultrasounds can trigger major PTSD for a mom who’s previously experienced a miscarriage. Will I have the same technician? Will they find a heartbeat? Will this be the scan that breaks my heart and shatters my dreams? Or will I be able to breathe after today? These are just some of the thoughts that go through our minds. And last year – St Patrick’s Day 2022 – was one of those days for me. The first ultrasound for this pregnancy, a pregnancy following an ectopic loss.
This pregnancy was a complete surprise to us! We conceived just 1 cycle after our ectopic loss of baby Leon and loss of my right fallopian tube. Prior to that we’d been trying to conceive for 6 years, so WHY would we think we’d conceive anytime soon now that I only had 1 tube?!?! So although we were pleasantly surprised that we were expecting, I was also crippled with fear. What if I have another ectopic and lose my only tube left? I can’t imagine being sterile at 35!
And wouldn’t you know it, we have the same ultrasound technician who had to tell us during the last pregnancy that our baby was in my tube. She was incredibly compassionate, sharing how often she’d thought of us & prayed for us & got excited for us as she saw us on her schedule! But still, my stress & fear & anxiety were palpable as she started her scan with all the disclaimers. She can’t show me the screen or the pictures. She’s going to take all of her pictures before telling me anything. And we’re not looking for a baby or a heartbeat – just looking for the sac to be in the uterus. Blah blah blah blah – the same stuff I’ve heard time and time again at these early scans. I should be used to this by now! I mean, my track record up until this point was 1 for 6. That’s right – I’d had FIVE miscarriages and one live birth. But, I laid back and tried to breathe and relax and trust in Gods plan. Easier said than done!
“THE BABY’S IN THE UTERUS!” the tech screamed just 1 minute into the scan! Bless her heart, those words were music to my ears and SUCH a blessing to dispel my biggest fear (another ectopic) right away! I sighed a BIG sigh of relief and we went on with the scan. Praise God we saw “the Diamond ring” image they were looking for, where the band is the yolk sac and the Diamond is literally the baby. It was AMAZING!
Yet how many more scans like this would I have to have in this pregnancy. Would the “bad news” ultrasound be inevitable? Or do I dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, I could carry 1 more baby to term? That had been my prayer for over nine years – “Lord, please just let me carry 1 more, healthy baby full term!” Could this be it?!?!
I borrowed belief from the three people closest to me – my husband, my best friend, and my mom – who all along kept saying I was going to have another biological baby. And I cautiously held my breath, as two priest friends shared stories of women who went on to have bio babies post-ectopic pregnancies & lost tubes. And here I am, 1 year later, holding our miracle – our rainbow baby, a perfectly healthy 4 month old baby boy!
So if you’re dealing with those kind of scary or triggering ultrasounds right now, know that you’re not alone. The trauma is real. The fear is real and completely valid. And yet – we serve a God of miracles. The God who makes the impossible possible! So borrow my belief, that maybe, just maybe, this could be the start of something wonderful!
Hope and Healing 