Dates & Angel-versaries

Dates have a funny way of sticking with people.  Just last Sunday, our priest asked how many of us remembered our birth dates, anniversaries, and date of our baptism.  And although I don’t remember the date of my baptism (don’t worry – I plan to find out when it is and celebrate it!) I DO remember the birth dates of ALL my children… our one living son, LJ, who is four and a half, and our four angel babies.

Today is one of those dates.  July 6th. 2011. A year and a half into married life, we miscarried our first child, Baby Mickey, just one day after we found out we were expecting.  Call it a false positive. Call it a chemical pregnancy. Call it whatever you want. We were pregnant, and we knew it. And then, we weren’t…

For my family the 4th of July has always been a BIG holiday and is surrounded by MANY parties and lots of people.  I’ll never forget that 4th of July, feeling pregnant and hopeful, and even letting it slip when talking with an Aunt from out of town.  She said I looked different & she was right.  I was glowing from the excitement and the possibilities. And to lose that in an instant was dreadful.  To go from ecstatic to terrified with one swipe of spotted toilet paper is a feeling I don’t wish upon my worst enemy.

How does one handle a miscarriage that early? Well, physically its “just like a heavy period.” Gosh, I heard that so many times. And technically, it’s true.  That miscarriage felt like a *very* heavy period.  But emotionally and mentally it can be taxing, because the world says “its no big deal” and “you’re young” and “it wasn’t meant to be.” But those are all cliches that are anything but comforting at a time when you’re hurting and grieving a loss.

My husband and I were blessed with support from my parents, who had themselves experienced two miscarriages.  Mom actually bought me a sexy nighty for “when I wanted to feel beautiful again.” EMPATHY.  She understood how I felt – betrayed by my body and out of control.  Evidently, her sister-in-laws had done something similar for her after one of her losses.  SUPPORT.  Generational support. There is NOTHING like it.

I also found comfort in reading.  Someone gave me “Heaven is For Real” and mentioned that in one of the chapters where the young boy is in Heaven, he meets his sister, who he never knew he had! She was a baby that his parents miscarried early on & never mentioned to their children.  SHE was in Heaven… waiting to be named.  So we decided to name our child “Mickey” (yes like Disney, ‘cuz that’s where we conceived! Sorry if that’s TMI)  More so though, we found it a gender neutral name that could go “Michaela” for a girl or “Michael” for a boy.

Now, I firmly believe that “God works all things for the GOOD of those who love Him.” (Romans 8:28) and I adamantly oppose the idea that “everything happens for a reason.”  It’s not Biblical & I don’t believe it’s true.  1.) There are way too many atrocities in the world that happen for NO REASON.  2.) Its another cliche that seeks to defend God & His plan, when God doesn’t need defending. His people need comforting!  But God does promise us that He will work ALL THINGS FOR GOOD, if we love Him and invite Him in.

We did find that through this loss, God worked a tremendous good in our lives… our RAINBOW BABY (the baby conceived & carried to term after a loss) LJ.  You see, if we would’ve gone full term with Mickey, we would’ve never conceived our precious son. LJ was conceived during the 9 months we would’ve been pregnant with Mickey.  So a HUGE blessing and beautiful gift of life came out of suffering, sacrifice and death.

How then do we appropriately remember or celebrate these dates & angel-versaries then?  For me, I’ve found that balance is key.  Remembering what was. Grounding in what is. And hoping for what is to come.   Seriously, much easier said than done, but beautiful when it can be attained.  Hear my heart, after 4 miscarriages, I’ve had plenty of angel-versaries when our babies were delivered into heaven & plenty of “should have been due dates” where I didn’t cope well at all!  But today, I think I did alright.

I talked about Mickey. I remembered the details of the day.  I reminded myself of my greatest blessings  – my God, my husband, and our son.  And well, I’m working on the remaining hopeful for the future (borrowing people’s belief until mine grows!)  You see, dates are just numbers on a calendar 7.6.11  But to miscarriage mommies, they are so much more.  They are etched in our hearts… forever.