Feelings

Whether you’ve struggled with infertility, recurrent pregnancy losses or even just one month of TTC when it hasn’t happened, you know the feeling when you see that negative test. The simultaneous feeling of devastation, sadness, anger, jealousy, fear, confusion, resentment, and more. “Why isn’t this happening?” “What’s the matter with me?” “How am I going to handle this again?” There is no controlling these emotions – no amount of will power can make them go away. Only by the grace of God can we refuse to let our feelings steal our peace.

It’s the start of Advent, and personally I’ve been drawn to the humanity of Mary & Joseph. What must Mary have felt when the angel came to her? As the Christ-child grew miraculously in her womb for 9 months? As she gave birth to the Messiah? What must Joseph have felt when his betrothed was found with child? When the angel appeared to Him? When he was charged to provide & protect Mary and the Messiah? DID THEIR FEELINGS ROB THEM OF THEIR PEACE?

Or did they cling to their faith & the promise of the Lord “to work all things for the good of those who love Him”? Did they profess & pray the Psalms with conviction of heart and mind? Did they stay centered and rooted in Christ, their Son and Savior, despite their feelings?

Perhaps it’s not an either/or, but rather a both/and. We can experience the full gamut of emotions in this life, while focusing on the promises of the next. We believe that suffering isn’t in vain. St Paul invited us to unify or suffering to that which is lacking in Christ’s. So all the tears I’ve shed and months where I’ve picked this cross back up on cycle day 1, I can offer up as a prayer for someone else.

A wise woman once told me that maybe what God was allowing me to go through wasn’t for *my* benefit or personal growth, but to help and better empathize with *someone else* down the road. I’ve often thought of her words & see them now as a prophetic gift. Truly they give me comfort and fortitude to press on when I would otherwise have given up.

Regardless of WHY God’s allowing us to walk this difficult road, here we are. And today was one of those days when we got another negative & I bawled my eyes out… while trying to keep it all in perspective.

So this is what I’m striving for during this season of Advent as we “wait & watch” – to not let my feelings rob me of my peace.

Mary, mother of God, and St Joseph, pray for us!