“I know that I am following God’s will when my way falls through but I get something better.” Today I read this quote from Fr. Mathew McMorrow, and I couldn’t help but think back to my own fertility journey -a tumultous journey, in which “my way” of having more biological babies didn’t only fall through, it crashed and burned! But in and through “my way” failing, God eventually led us to adopt our daughter, MaryAnne.
MaryAnne was born eight years ago today, and that day, I experienced the love of God the Father more profoundly than I ever had before or have since. See, in the years leading up to her birth, I had experienced three recurrent miscarriages. I had a laparoscopy to remove endometriosis. And then I experienced years of secondary infertility. The Lord, the Author of Life, was clearly not creating & sustaining life within me. So for the first time in our marriage, my husband Jacob and I began to wonder if adoption was how God wanted to grow our family. We began asking for St. Joseph’s intercession and provision, in some way shape or form, for our family to grow. And exactly 9 months later, MaryAnne was born!
Her birthday, July 17th, 2018, another mother, a biological parent, literally handed her child over to me. I knew, and thought I understood, that each child was a gift from God; after all, I’d already had one, living, five-year-old biological son! But this was different. Not only was God giving me a child, another human being was physically giving me her child. After nine months of her carrying that baby, feeling that baby move and kick, being sick because of that baby, and so much more, she was doing the most selfless thing a human being can do. She laid down her life, on an operating table, was cut open to deliver this baby girl into the world via c-section, and then handed her baby over – to another mother.
That’s quite literally what God the Father did when He entrusted His son, Jesus, to St. Joseph. He said, “Here’s my child. My most precious child. Love Him. Care for Him. Protect and provide for Him. He is now your own.” What an incredibly humbling moment for St. Joseph, and I can relate to the overwhelming gratitude that comes in that moment. The weight of that gift, the responsibility of that call, are heavier than words can describe, although our little MaryAnne only weighed 7lbs 8oz.
And as I held her in my arms, I realized that, when God called our miscarried babies home to Heaven, He carved a hole in our hearts. He created space and made room in our hearts, for an experience far greater, and a daughter more beautiful and precious, than if I had simply birthed her myself. God promises in Romans 8:28 to “work all things for the good of those who love Him.” And I can’t think of a more perfect portrayl of that than our fertility and adoption journey. When “my way” was thwarted, it was because God had something way, way better in store for us.
MaryAnne Therese.
Happy birthday, sweetie!
Hope and Healing 